THE FLY ON THE WALL III— OFFICE BAE
🎶 Cool Mineral, Cool water…🎶
Blessed by Wizkid Ft Damian Marley playing from two thick walls away.
It’s raining and it pours heavily. The only thing keeping us warm is the heat radiating off our bodies.
Wearing a red transparent lacy gown, she lures me into a dark room, curtained with white silk. Her hold is so soft yet intimidating. She wraps her arms around me, pressing her breast against my back tracing my body from behind. I turn around and lay on the bed voluntarily. She slowly climbs on top of me grinning from ear to ear, while I’m there almost frozen yet conscious and submissive like a sacrificial lamb.
Stroking her red claws all over my chest, seductively tracing my torso. Again, I feel like I’m under arrest but at will. Suddenly, I hear her face crack as her grin expands, her jaws widen, and her mouth opens exposing her big dragon-looking teeth — shrieking — like a demon, she leans over and swallows my —
Rhythmic door knocking…
Roused by a sudden bang that saved me from getting eaten. I slowly open my eyes, scanning the four corners of the walls, left and right. At the top, is the ceiling fan spinning and beating, laced with dust and cobwebs from God knows when, and at the bottom — my Eiffel tower standing boldly like the morning sun.
The knocking increases… BANG! BANG! BANG! ‘Yes?’ I sluggishly answer. It’s my roommate, Einstein.
“Guy, no be you dey start work today? Abi you no dey go again?”
‘SHIT! Today’s Monday!’
“Eh — ehhn — na Saturday. You don turn up finish forget say today na your new work.”
Shit! That’s true. I resume a new job as the Creative Director at the HMX Agency. One of the top media firms in my city. Hurriedly, I get to the bathroom to begin getting dressed. Looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth, I receive a flashback of a scene in my dream. When I was there recollect the absence of fear and absolute surrender. To my mind and body, she felt like the beautiful Flo, but in my dream looked like a demon, an Igbo demon. She exudes an irresistible aura that frightened and captivated me simultaneously, leading my subconscious to illustrate her — a demon. But this is how most Igbo women who look like her are stereotyped and thought to be the meanest temptress from the eastern region of my unfortunate country, Nigeria. But tell me who isn’t a possessed demon or possessed — with — a — demon in this country and I’ll wait. I get dressed, put off the lights, as par the last person to leave the house, make bill no hook pesin for throat.
I contemplate driving to Mama Ngozi’s buka. A roadside food vendor that sells a variety of Nigerian cuisines. From breakfast to lunch at affordable prices and my favourites of hers are the pancakes and eggs, muah! *chef kiss*.
I’m about 20 minutes away from my new office but decide to practice my Tokyo Drift talent, due to the grace of living in the capital city. Here we barely ever struggle with traffic, I bet Lagosians can’t relate to this. Need for speed, Tokyo drift is a PS game reference for those of you who don’t know. So I arrive at the Buka, and as usual, Mama Ngozi hypes and teases me routinely, offering me one of her daughters by the name you already know. I decline as always, avoiding eye contact with her assistant vendor, a teenage girl who often past uncomfortable glances at me.
15 minutes to go…
I drive high and fast like my life depends on it and because, first impressions matter. Just in the nick of time, I’m stuck in traffic very close to the street before the HMX building.
Honk! Honk!! Honk!!!
Drivers horning from every direction, trying to manoeuvre each other while stuck in the traffic, early Monday madness as usual.
5 minutes left!
Now, on the street of my destination, lo and behold, a learner — trying to reverse in front of me with the help of a passerby. I try to move along gradually until I hear a loud bang at the back of my truck, I was about to flare up! Thinking it was from her car but no — it was the passerby egging me to stop before she dents my car.
2 minutes!
Finally, I arrive at the gate. Mention my name to the building’s security and flash my ID card, they open the gate, and I drive in to find a parking spot. I take the lift to the company’s floor, and introduce myself to the receptionist, she welcomes me and ushers me into the company’s meeting room to wait. Whew! I’m glad I got here before the other staff.
Bzz, bzz…
Twitter live: Queen Elizabeth is dead!
“The Queen of England is dead. The country does into lockdown as the nation mourns the loss of their Queen.”
Oh wow! Twitter is going to be on fire throughout the week. The communities the British colonised are coming together in retribution.
“Irish Twitter: Lizzy in the box, in the box, in the box!”
“African, Black, Caribbean & Arab Twitter: When Diana sees Queen Elizabeth trying to open heavens gate 🏃♀️💨🤾♀️👩🏼🦯🤼♀️ “
The entire timeline is flooded with expensive jokes, pretentious tweets, and controversial takes from every angle of the rectangle. But we all know that Twitter is indeed the madhouse of global entertainment. The largest beer parlour in our virtual world. The entire world could be on fire, but once you enter Twitter there would be a fiasco and a number of people making a mockery or light joke out of it. We would all find a way to joke about it or type out a whole conspiracy theory thread. (chuckling)
Footsteps approach the room. “The boss has arrived,” the Receptionist says. I get up to — “No please, sit down. She’ll attend to you here.”
A few seconds in, a group of staff walk into the conference room. We exchange pleasantries and drag a seat. The boss walks into the room, and lo and behold, right behind her is Florence, my beautiful Flo. I know it's too soon to refer to her as mine I know, but — Her eyes widen with shock and disbelief as she sights me. Grinning sheepishly, I nervously nod at her. The boss, Ms Bami welcomes me and introduces me to the entire team then asks me to formally tell the team about myself.
It was a fun, warmhearted introductory meeting that lasted for about 20–25 minutes, filled with light work jokes, and laughs. The boss and her team seem in sync, each with bold personalities yet everyone exuded positive energy and attitude towards each other. I mean this is what you get when you work for a company that pays well, invests, and takes good care of its employees — you get a dream team.
“So! Tell us, Jeffery, as the new Lead creative director of HMX, what do we anticipate of your time with us?” (*Clears Throat*) ‘As the creative director of HMX, I will ensure that the glue that bonds this unique team never goes dry. I will enforce inclusivity, productivity, and timely execution of fresh creative ideas that will expand our horizons and continuously deliver high-quality services. I will also help improve the skill set of each member of our team so that we not only grow in our speciality but in every aspect that may expand our creativity, efficiency, and professionalism. So help me God.’ Two colleagues at the far end of the table chorused “amen” whilst a few others followed.
“Well said, Jeffery, welcome on board!” says Ms Bami.
The entire team grants me a standing ovation, and as the boss exits the room, so did other team members while some approach me for a personal handshake. I’m in awe and grateful for the reception. I have never ever felt so welcomed to a job in my entire life! I feel so motivated and energised that I can take over the world through this position at the Agency. The lady who sat on the right-hand side of the CEO walks up to me and congratulates me with a handshake and a flirtatious smirk on her face. Apparently, she’s the boss’s daughter but my major concern right now is last but not least, my Flo, steady trying to pretend like she doesn’t know me but I quickly approach her before she leaves the room.
‘Hi, Flo. Good morning.’“Hi, Jeffery morning! What are the odds, it's strange meeting you here — at my place.” *Giggling* ‘Yeah, OUR place of work you mean. *Both brushing* If this ain’t faith I don’t know what else is.’ I say. We both freeze for split seconds staring into each other's eyes. The lust — the — fatal — attraction we have towards each other is ridiculously intense. I guess that’s why she’s been pretending to not know me. Our chemistry is undeniable. We both snap out of it as the receptionist calls out my name.
‘See you around beautiful.’ She nods and quickly walks in the opposite direction.
“My goodness, this might just be the beginning of my first breakfast story.”
Eight hours later…
It is closing time. I reach out to Flo offering to drop her off, but she already left the office about 20 minutes before me. For a second I thought she lied and was wondering if she’s playing hard to get, or if she has a boyfriend who’s already taking half her time. We didn’t get the chance to discuss that last weekend during the pool party, but whatever the case may be I do not intend to back down nor lose guard.
Home sweet home, I arrive home to my unruly roommate having dinner with his babe (well the one he often spends more time with). We exchange greetings, I get changed then head to the kitchen to grab a plate. A little cat-size portion of food is left in the pot, and to my right is a bowl of grilled peppered chicken. I look over my shoulder to see if he’s watching.
‘This guy! Na me you leave this kin portion of food for abii?’
“Oh, sorry bros, no be you dey always watch waist? I no think say you go chow like that.”
‘I eat in moderate portions — does not mean I starve myself for fucks seeks.’
“Ah, sorry o… No, vex, no vex o please, next time.”
“You can come and have some of mine Jeff,” Tinu says.
I try to decline severally but she insists and serves me half of her plate. Einstein’s face puckered suspiciously, while his babe Tinu shrugged and unlooked at him. I pulled a seat across to join them.
“So how was your first day at work? Was it as you expected?” ‘Mehn… it was even better, to be honest!” I say. “Abeg gist me nau — ” Tinu gives him the side-eye — “abii us.”
‘Well, we had an introductory meeting, they inducted me pretty nicely, the team was lively, sweet and respectful — felt really great.’ “How’s she in person? Sexy abii?” Einstein interrupts. — ‘Well, you can say that. She looks really good and has this dominatrix vibe about her, yet calm, couth and classy. I was thoroughly impressed mehn, the entire team made my day. But that wasn’t the highlight of my day.’ “What was? Sexy babes?”
Tinu shuts him — “Can’t you just keep quiet and let him finish his story?” ‘ Thank you o, my sister,’ I concur. ’Not just any sexy babe — Remember the party I went to last week, Saturday?’
“Yes?”
‘I bumped into the babe I met at the party, she works at the office. Apparently, we are in the same department and on the same team, and I think she works very closely with the boss or her assistant. Mehn! Like. It’s indeed a small world because I was stunned to see her. I couldn’t believe it was her at first and neither did she. And to think she’s been on my mind and in my dreams all weekend just to see her at my new place of work — isn’t that — destiny?’ “Ogah cam down jor you don dey catch feelings already? What does she look like sef? Do you have a picture of her or her Instagram?”
‘Yeah I do, one of the photographers sent our pictures.’ I hand him my phone, placing their heads together like Siamese twins to scrutinise her. “Whew! Omo, she’s hot! But this girl no be your type nau.”
‘How do you mean?’ “How do you even know his type?”Tinu says.
“Yes nau, her type go just eat your alive, chew — chew you like bone and spit you out. You go soon chop BREAKFAST” he shouted.
(All laughing)
Einstein acts like an a-know-it-all yet he hasn’t had one successful relationship in his entire life. The nerve on this homo sapien!
‘You be fool walahi!’
“No, but it’s true nau.”
Well, I do not give a fuck about what Einstein thinks, he has no taste in women, plus very low standards. From one uncouth girl to another. There was one who almost stole the entire house.
I thank the Lord that I serve that my room was locked that day — because — his probably went on a vacation or he forgot to appease him. She came to the house unannounced and stole about three pairs of his sneakers, the tv set, a few old gadgets, and his perfumes. That day was painful, and hilarious because Einstein always speaks and acts like he is above the misfortune of bad fate. Anyway, we ended dinner on a good note, talked for a bit, and called it a night.
The next day, I arrive at the office — pretty early this time so that I could have a one-on-one with Flo and without any audience. I sat in the room close to the entrance where I could easily see who comes in and goes out. About ten minutes later, Flo walks in, greets the receptionist and heads toward her office. I follow her bumper to bumper.
‘Hey, Flo!’ “Hi, Jeff!” She responds enthusiastically. I ask her if I could pull her briefly for a chat and she reckoned. We spend about 10 minutes reminiscing about how much fun we had at the party and how stunning she always looks. And from no angle of the triangle, charmed by her poise, her style, charisma, and intellect, her entire being! I immediately ask her the question.
‘Would you like to go out with me?’
*crickets*
“What? Asin…a date?
‘Umm — yeah a date — and — then — more’
(giggling) “What do you mean more?” Flo says.
Suddenly, I could hear my heart pounding and I bet she could too.
‘Would you go out, with me, and be my…’
“First of all — just stop right there! What makes you think I’m single?”
‘Okay, I guess that was quite presumptuous of me, but I just wanted to — ‘
“Well, no. I can’t date you nor go out with you.”
‘Com’on… why not?’
She looks me up and down, smiles, and makes a few sentences I stopped hearing because my eyes were fixated on her lips, automatically muted, and she walks away.
I know I shouldn’t have, I know I should get to know the girl first but, I just couldn’t help it — and — like a Toco Toucan bird, I burst my mouth open. But you can’t totally blame me, her domineering, feminine attitude bewitched me to speak my mind. Plus, her“Shakara” is irresistible.
I get to my neatly furnished desk and met a fly perching on it.
‘What does she mean by I can’t date you nor go out with you? Omo obirin yen ma gbadun — This young woman is in for a treat.’
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